


What To Expect When You Are Expecting

by alkjira



Series: What To Expect [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Durins Died At BoFA, Alternate Universe - No One Ring, Crack, Cracky fluff, Handy Tips For Hobbits Who Are Expecting A Baby With A Dwarven King, M/M, Moderate Amounts of Insanity, Mpreg, The Last Tag Might Have Been A Lie, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 15:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does what it says on the tin (read: in the tags)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What To Expect When You Are Expecting

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Deutsch available: [What To Expect When You Are Expecting](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289403) by [achildofyavanna (Minionfromthedark)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minionfromthedark/pseuds/achildofyavanna)



> To my defence, I really needed to write something cracky and fluffy to counter another fic I'm writing. And I can't really inflict more animals on people for a while.
> 
> no beta
> 
> And everyone has to write mpreg at some point, right? *scurries away* *scurries back* I hope it’s not too horribly clichéed. Yeah... Bye! (Enjoy?)
> 
> -
> 
> Now also available in French:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3452294

**Make sure your [idiotic] Dwarven husband understands that you’re _really_ pregnant.**

_If you can convince him before the baby actually begins to move, you are officially awesome._

 

When Bilbo told Thorin that the Dwarf was going to become a father he had not expected that the happy news would make Thorin's eyes to darken with rage.  
   
“I have not been unfaithful to you, nor will I ever be,” Thorin growled. “If anyone has led you to believe otherwise they are lying.”  
   
“No.” Bilbo blinked and tried to make sense of what he was hearing. “No. _I'm_ with child.”  
  
All of a sudden the fury on Thorin’s face disappeared, but instead of the happiness that Bilbo was still waiting for, it was concern that spread over his Dwarf’s handsome face.  
   
“Are you feverish?” Thorin asked, raising a hand to gently stroke Bilbo’s forehead. “Did you eat something strange today? I’ll call for Óin.”  
  
“Why- No, Thorin, wait,” Bilbo said when Thorin started walking towards the door leading out of their chambers. “I feel fine. You don’t need to get Óin, I’ll go see him later, just to make sure. But I don’t see why I would need to see him now. I’m with child, not sick.”  
  
Still no sign of the elusive,  brilliant smile that Bilbo knew Thorin capable of. He had really been hoping to see it.  
  
“My love,” Thorin said slowly. “Bilbo, you are clearly not well. But do not fear, we will make sure that you will get better. I’ll not leave your side, just as you didn’t leave mine.”  
  
“I'm with child,” Bilbo said, just as slow as Thorin had spoken. “Your child, just to clear that up once and for all. And-“ To his absolute horror Bilbo could feel his eyes beginning to tear up. “I thought that you would be happy about this.”

Sniffing the Hobbit turned away to wipe at his eyes. Brilliant. He had been hoping that the sudden mood swings would turn out to be one of those made-up things to scare tweens.  
  
Strong, warm arms wrapped around his waist, and Thorin’s head made itself home on his shoulder.  
  
“Bilbo,” Thorin said slowly. “You can’t carry my child.”  
  
“Of course I can,” Bilbo sniffed. “Don’t tell me that you don’t know how these things happen. Or is this the reason why there are so few Dwarven children?”  
  
“You are a male,” Thorin explained, as if it really _did_ explain anything.  
  
“So?”  
  
“Males cannot bear children.”  
  
Bilbo turned around so he could look up at his husband. “Male Hobbits are _perfectly_ capable of bearing children. Are you telling me that Dwarfs can’t?”  
  
Thorin’s eyes were very wide and very blue.  
  
“Are you telling me that you are with child?”  
  
“Yes!” Bilbo exclaimed.

-

**If you smoke, quit.**

_Unless the occasional pipe of Old Toby will be the only thing stopping you from killing your husband. Because then quitting will be worse for the baby in the long term._

 

“I really, really, _really_ am pregnant,”  Bilbo said tiredly.  
  
“But how?” Thorin asked, and not for the first time.  
  
“Have you entirely forgotten all the times that we have lain together?” Bilbo asked incredulously. “And what about when I asked if we could stop being careful?”  
  
“I thought you wanted-“ Thorin’s ears turned the slightest bit pink and Bilbo tried really hard not to be charmed by it. He was upset, damn it. “I thought you meant for me to be a little more, rough, in bed.”  
  
Oh. Bilbo blinked. “Well, I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy it.”  
  
The blush was _not_ charming.  
  
-

**And stop drinking alcohol.**

_Damn it all. _

  
“Really.” Bilbo pointed to his stomach. “Baby. In there. Your baby. And mine, obviously.” He threw his hands up. “I do not know how to make it clearer. I don’t care if you say yes just to humour me, but you will agree with me or I will do something we both will regret.”  
  
The Hobbit took a deep breath. “ _Right_. Thorin, you are going to be a father.”  
  
“Yes?” Thorin said cautiously, but the careful hand that suddenly covered his stomach made Bilbo think that he might finally have gotten through to his husband.

-

**Make a prenatal appointment.**

_Read: make sure your idiotic Dwarven healer understands that you’re really pregnant.  
  
_

“I am _not_ explaining this again. Thorin, you do it.”  
  
Óin looked towards his king. “I didn’t hear that correctly, did I?”  
  
“Perhaps you would leave that for a few moments,” Thorin said, looking at Bilbo. “I think this will be all too familiar for you.”  
  
“With pleasure,” the Hobbit huffed, and he did most certainly _not_ use excessive force as he shut the door behind himself, because that was undignified and beneath him.  
  
Who could have thought that being with child would be this complicated?  
  
-  
  
  
**Make sure your activities are pregnancy-safe.**  
_Read: m_ _ake sure your husband understands that there are plenty of your usual activities that are in fact pregnancy-safe.  
  
_

“Thorin, I’m not staying in bed for eight months.”  
  
“Eight- Do Hobbits only carry their babes for eight months?”  
  
“How long do Dwarfs carry?” Bilbo asked, not liking the sound of that ‘only’.  
  
“Ten,” Thorin said matter-of-factly.  
  
“Right,” Bilbo said. “I think we’re going to go see Óin again. But I’m definitely not staying in bed for ten months, should it come to that.”  
  
“But-“

“NO.”

-

**Do your best to eat well.**

_Um, duh.  
  
_

Bilbo couldn’t understand why Thorin seemed so fascinated by watching him eat breakfast.  
  
“Your people do not experience morning sickness then?” Thorin asked when Bilbo finally questioned him.  
  
“Morning what-now?” Bilbo asked, confused.  
  
Thorin hummed contemplatively. “We are not telling my sister about this. When she carried Fíli she threw up every morning for the first four months.”  
  
“She did _what_?”  
  
-

**Drink water.**

_See the last tip above.  
  
_

“Thank you, but I’m not thirsty right now.”  
  
Thorin looked between Bilbo and the glass as if the distance between them posed the trickiest riddle he had ever been faced with.  
  
“Fine,” Bilbo sighed. “Give it here.”  
  
He wondered if this was also a Dwarven thing or just something unique to Thorin. He was leaning towards the latter.  
  
-

**Go to bed early.**

_And get out of bed even earlier so you can escape before your husband convinces you that it really is best for the baby to spend the day surrounded by goose down comforters.  
_  
  
As quietly as Hobbitly possible Bilbo slipped out of bed and into his clothes. The note he had prepared before going to bed seemed very noisy as he pinned it to his pillow.  
  
A few hours later a grumpy Thorin found him digging in the flowerbeds that had been prepared on a terrace not far from the royal quarters.  
  
“It is not as if I will chain you to the bed,” Thorin told him sourly.  
  
“Shame,” Bilbo said lightly, carefully pushing down on the soil around a rose bush he had just finished planting. “That sounded pretty interesting.”  
  
They went to bed very early that day. Several times and at great length.  
  
-

**Think about when you’ll announce your pregnancy.**

_Remember to time it so that the happy news won’t lead to any permanent injuries._

 

“Is he all right” Bilbo asked worriedly, twisting his hands. “I didn’t think he would faint.”  
  
Groaning Bofur sat up, clutching at his head. “What did I just hear?”  
  
“ _I_ didn’t faint,” Thorin said smugly.  
  
-

**Take ~~your prenatal vitamin~~ whatever Óin says will be good for the baby because it’ll make Thorin happy.**

_Except if it’s clearly nonsense, then you will fake it._

Bilbo poked sceptically at the black sausage. “I’m not sure that anything with ‘blood’ in the name can be considered to be healthy.”  
  
“It’s good for the babe,” Óin nodded. “Makes him or her grow strong.”  
  
Thorin nudged the plate a little closer to Bilbo. The black sausage wobbled in a most disturbing way.  
  
“This isn’t alive, is it?” Bilbo asked suspiciously.  
  
-  
  
  
**Start a baby name list.**  
  
_Then s_ _top everyone else from getting involved.  
  
_

“This baby will not be called Fíli the second,” Bilbo protested, ignoring how the blond Dwarf’s shoulder’s drooped sadly.  
  
“I’ve always fancied Gnok for a boy,” Nori said.  
  
“Well you can go right on doing that,” Bilbo replied. "But that won't be what we're calling this one."  
  
“Moggus?” Ori suggested. Bilbo kindly did not point out how that sounded like some type of fungus.  
  
-  
  
  
**~~Decide whether you’ll find out the sex of your baby.~~ Stop Nori from taking bets regarding the sex of your baby.**  
  
_Make it a royal decree if you have to.  
  
_

“Can’t you just forget that heard him speak of it?” Thorin suggested. “I’d rather not throw my spymaster in the dungeon if I can avoid it.”  
  
“You have placed a bet, haven’t you,” Bilbo accused, and Thorin’s eyes wandered guilty away.  
  
“I can’t believe you,” Bilbo groaned. “Like it matters? As long as there’s not more than two babes in there I’m beyond caring about what-.”  
  
“More than  _two_?”  
  
“Well, more than two at once is not really practical is it?”  
  
“Is this normal for Hobbits?” The strangled quality to Thorin’s voice made Bilbo turn around and look at this husband.  
  
“It’s not unusual at least, is there a problem with it?”  
  
“There is not a word in Khuzdul for twins,” Thorin said. “Have a guess as to why that is.”  
  
“Oh.” Then Bilbo snickered. “Imagine if it’s a boy _and_ a girl. Nori will owe so many people money. That’ll teach him.”  
  
That night after they had gone to bed Thorin’s hand crept over to cover his stomach and the touch was reverent in a way that it hadn’t been since the first few weeks.  
  
-

**Prepare older children.**

_That means you, Fíli and Kíli._

“You will still be my heirs,” Thorin explained seriously to his nephews. “We will not love you any less.”  
  
“Bilbo is making you do this, isn’t he,” Kíli whispered, he turned to his brother and made a double-take. “Fíli, are you _crying_?”  
  
“Of course not,” the blond sniffed.  
  
-

**Make a baby budget.**

_Make a plan for new-baby expenses. The cost of clothes, food, diapers, toys, and gear can add up fast! And despite the wealth of Erebor, a golden crib is just silly._

 

“Thorin, in what world is this practical?” Bilbo pushed at the crib that had just required five burly Dwarfs to carry into their chambers. Unsurprisingly, it wouldn't budge. “Imagine if you stub your toe into it, you’ll be limping for weeks. One out of wood is much more practical, not in the least because it’s actually possible to _move_.”  
  
Thorin frowned. “But wood is for _Elves_.”  
  
“How about gilded wood?” Bilbo suggested, not wanting to get into the whole Elf-discussion for the hundredth time.  
  
“Fine,” Thorin said after a few seconds of quiet sulking.  
  
-

**Have sex if you both feel up to it.**

_Read: convince your husband that no, his mighty hammer is not that big._

Ever since his stomach had started to show a slightly bigger bump than usual Bilbo had noted that Thorin had begun to be more hesitant whenever they slept together (in the sense that there was no actual sleep happening whatsoever).  His husband was also even more careful than he had been during their first few times together.  
  
Finally, Bilbo asked why.  
  
“I don’t- what if I- what if I manage to... hit them?”  
  
Bilbo blinked. “I’m beginning to wonder if there _really_ is a lack of knowledge behind the lack of little Dwarfs.”  
  
-

**Talk to your partner about parenting.**

_To get the conversation going, write lists of things your mother and father “always” and “never” did. Then share what you wrote down. Discuss._

 

“Right,” Bilbo said and threw both sets of lists into the fireplace. “Agree to disagree?”  
  
Thorin nodded and curled his arm carefully around Bilbo’s middle.  
  
-

**Shop for maternity clothes.**

_Be appalled._

“That,” Bilbo said, waving an accusing finger at the pile of fabric. “Is a _tent_.”

The lip of the clothes merchant wobbled slightly. “It’s perfectly suitable for a pregnant-“ he paused briefly. “-consort.”  
  
“No _tents_.”  
  
-

**Narrow your baby names list.**

_Tell everyone else but you and the father to keep their mouths shut.  
  
_

“I’m serious, if I find any more suggestions hidden in my cupboards, I will do something very unpleasant with all of you.”  
  
-

**Do some financial planning.**

_Read: ban Thorin from the treasure chambers._

“Are we sure that this isn’t some new version of the gold-sickness,” Bilbo asked Balin in a hushed voice as Thorin directed yet another merchant into their chambers. This time the Dwarf carried large basket filled to the brim of rattlers that all had jewels set into them. “Only, in reverse?”  
  
“I'm fairly sure this is just Thorin,” Balin replied. “But I’ll see what I can do.”  
  
-

**Avoid unsafe activities.**

_Now that your belly’s bigger you’ll need to revisit the talk about what is safe with your husband._

“See,” Bilbo panted as he rose up on his knees and then slowly lowered himself again. “Still perfectly safe.”  
  
Thorin grunted something vaguely agreeable and pressed a kiss to Bilbo’s collarbone, his hands tightening on the Hobbit’s hips.  
  
-

  
**Eat healthy.**

_Even if the general opinion of what is healthy will vary._

“No more,” Bilbo said, pushing the black sausage away. “Or I will have a very belated, very intense period of morning sickness. “Do we have any broccoli?”  
  
Ori looked appalled.  
  
-  
  
  
**Keep track of your baby’s movements.  
  
**_Pay attention to your baby’s kicks, twitches, and rolls and let your caregiver know right away if you notice a decrease in movement.  
  
_

It was the middle of the night and at first Bilbo didn’t realise what had woken him. Then he felt hair tickling his belly.  
  
“Thorin?” he murmured. “What are you doing?”  
  
“I’m feeling our baby move.”  
  
“Right,” Bilbo blinked sleepily as he felt the strange fluttering inside his belly that  that had become normal over the last few weeks.  Directly afterwards, careful fingers stroked over his now clearly more rounded than normal middle. “Well, have fun with that.”  
  
-

**Start sleeping on your side.**

_Again, duh._

“Thorin?” Bilbo called, and his husband rushed into the bedroom.  
  
“Is there something wrong? Should I get Óin? I’ll get Óin.”  
  
“No,” Bilbo said. “Nothing is wrong. I just-“ The Hobbit felt his cheeks flush. “I just need a little help getting out of bed.” He squirmed a little. “I seem to have gotten a bit, stuck. When I try to roll I’m not really getting anywhere. Oh no,” he added when he saw the calculating glint in Thorin’s eyes. “This does not mean that I’m spending the last few months in bed.”  
  
-

**Check your rings.**

_If pregnancy swelling is making your rings feel snug, do yourself a favour and take them off now before they get stuck!_

“I can increase the size, if you prefer it,” Thorin offered as Bilbo threaded his wedding ring onto a golden chain. It was strange how his finger felt naked without it and the Hobbit considered the suggestion.  
  
“Thank you, but this is fine. It’s silly, but I don’t want to change it.”  
  
“I can make you another?” Thorin offered with a hopeful note in his voice, and Bilbo frowned.  
  
“Thorin, people will remember that we are married even if I am not wearing your ring on my finger. You do know this I hope.”  
  
Silence filled the room.  
  
-

**Dedicate time to your partner.**

_In the midst of all your baby prep, take time to bond with your partner and celebrate what makes you love one another._

“Confounded. Dwarf,” Bilbo gasped as he pushed his hips back. “Oh, just a little lower. Yessss.”  
  
“Infuriating Hobbit,” Thorin murmured afterwards as he stroked the purpling bruise he had left on Bilbo’s neck.  
  
“You are so lucky I love you,” Bilbo said as he tried to squirm into a comfortable position.  
  
“I know.”  
  
-

**Prepare for breastfeeding.**

_If you’re planning to breastfeed your baby, learn as much as you can about it now._

 

“I don’t need a wet-nurse,” Bilbo said insulted.  
  
“You. Don’t.” Thorin said, slowly.  
  
“No!”  
  
“Right.”  
  
-  
  
  
**Set up a safe place for your baby to sleep.  
**_~~Whether your baby slumbers in a bassinet, crib, or with you, it’s important to follow basic safety guidelines.~~ Read: convince your husband that having guards in your private rooms really won't be necessary. _

“Thorin, no. Just no.”  
  
-

**Talk to your baby.**  
_Your baby can hear your voice now, and talking to him or her is a great way to start the bonding process._

“You’ll like it outside,” Bilbo said as he stroked his hand in circles over his belly. “And don’t tell your father, but when you’re a little bigger, we’ll go to the Shire for a visit.”  
  
“I heard that,” Thorin said. “And not until they’re at least thirty. And there will be many, many guards involved.”  
  
“What if Gandalf joins us?”  
  
Thorin gave him an unimpressed look. “Have you forgotten the Trolls and the Orcs and the Wizard’s presence at both those occasions?”  
  
“He wasn’t really around when the Trolls, oh fine,” Bilbo said. “Lots of guards it is. But we’re not waiting thirty years.”  
  
-

  
**Handle late-pregnancy jitters.**

_In yourself as well as in others._

“What if they won’t like me,” Bilbo said a bit morosely.  
  
“They’ll love you,” Thorin said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “It’s impossible not to love you, much to my consternation.  Even _Elves_ love you.”  
  
“We really need to talk about not using 'Elves' like it’s a dirty word,” Bilbo sighed, but he let the subject drop when Thorin started humming a lullaby.  
  
For a while they lay together in bed and everything was perfect.  
  
“What if they won’t like _me_?” Thorin asked.  
  
-

**Don’t panic if you go past your due date.**

_Other people will do it for you.  
  
_

“Thorin, it’s only been nine months, you said it yourself that Dwarfs carry the babes for ten.”  
  
“But you are not a Dwarf,” Thorin said stubbornly.  
  
“We’ll go see Óin,” Bilbo decided. “Because I’m not having this discussion once a day for- _oh_.”  
  
“Is something wrong?” Thorin asked immediately.  
  
“No,” Bilbo said. “But I think that the baby might be coming now.”

   
-

**Remember, above all: have fun!**

  
“She’s perfect,” Thorin said in a hushed voice, and Bilbo didn’t even care that this was about the twentieth time his husband has said that exact sentence because she _was_. And she was _theirs_.


End file.
